This is the dorkiest thing I've ever written

Post your RP stories/character descriptions/other cool stuff here!

Moderator: Guild Officer

User avatar
Tarq
Posts: 1021
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2008 2:12 am
Location: Wherever the trouble is.
Contact:

This is the dorkiest thing I've ever written

Postby Tarq » Tue Jan 29, 2013 1:11 am

But my obsessions have collided, and ye shall reap the whirlwind.

Season Preview: the Wildfire Riders of Old Town

For season after season since the expansion, a Wildfire Riders preview was the easiest part of any season. “Their pitching will be great, they’ll have league-best defense, Chryste Kaleigh will be a monster as good as any Horde League slugger, and everyone else will hit just enough to be annoying. There’ll be a bench-clearing brawl, Bricu Bittertongue will get suspended, and they’ll coast into the playoffs on a cloud of acrimony and snide interviews.” Flesh that out to 1,500 words, file it, and off to the bar.

And then things got weird.

All the catching depth disappeared in about a season and a half – Varenna Sungale to free agency and the Order of the Rose, Jolstraer Taborwynn to early retirement, and Feliche Nightshade to accumulated injury. The pitching staff mostly imploded, leaving behind a pile of Tirith Elohn’s elbow ligaments. The Ceil Nightfury thing happened, and suddenly the ninth inning wasn’t a done deal anymore. And so on. What was left was a bunch of aging malcontents, raw prospects, and other teams’ problem players.

Also, as it turned out, a lot of money. Did you know that if you lose baseball players, you can use money to get other baseball players? The “End of Old Town” columns might have been a little premature; since there are legally only two pieces of analysis you’re allowed to write about the Riders, I’m going to do “WFR WILL WIN THREE HUNDRED GAMES AND PROBABLY AN AIRSHIP” instead.

Starting Lineup

So this is the weird thing – the Riders have an offense now. Kaleigh’s still an unstoppable monster, and now she has actual lineup protection in the form of patient super-slugger Zevedron Bosch. Bittertongue’s still impossible to strike out, and now he can be annoying in the #2 spot because they sniped Actual Leadoff Hitter Lorelli Tymara from Stormwind U. Add in the continually underrated Ulthanon Kaidos, and switch-hitting wunderkind Illithias Ashbough, and that looks a lot like a legitimate lineup. Even the defense-first Alliance League types at the bottom of the order can hit a little.

The caveats: Tymara’s injury-prone, Bosch runs like he stepped in a bucket, and Ashbough swings at everything up to pickoff throws to first base. Bittertongue’s old and will probably miss games due to suspensions; Kaidos is old and will probably miss games due to belly-flopping on a diving catch and fracturing his dignity. It’s still a pretty solid lineup, with the bench to fill in gaps (more on that later).

Defense

So about those “defense-first Alliance League types”...Pitchblack Stormbough was just supposed to be the latest in a long line of crazy-glove, no-bat WFR shortstops. He’s got a little bat, and also the crazy glove. Kyraine of Gilneas was the panic button when all that catching depth melted away; all she had to do was block the plate and not signal for the triple-axis flutterball or whatever. She’s turned into an above-average defensive catcher and, hey, she can actually kinda hit! Weird.

The rest of the infield’s a little rough – Ashbough’s raw, Bittertongue’s old, and Bosch can generally be relied on not to swallow his glove at first – but serviceable. The outfield, by contrast, is fantastic, basically three center fielders. Also, this is a public service reminder to baserunners: do not test Ulthanon Kaidos’s arm. You will regret it.
Now hang me by this golden noose
'Cause I never been nothin' but your golden goose
Silver tongue don't fail me now
And I'll make my way back to you somehow

User avatar
Tarq
Posts: 1021
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2008 2:12 am
Location: Wherever the trouble is.
Contact:

Re: This is the dorkiest thing I've ever written

Postby Tarq » Tue Jan 29, 2013 1:12 am

Baserunning

I don’t normally feel the need to dedicate a whole category to this, but it’s a strength for the Riders that doesn’t always show up in the box score. It’s what raises Tymara from “pretty damn good” to “elite”; she steals a ton of bases, rarely gets caught, and turns singles into doubles and doubles into triples. And for every time Kaidos falls on his face on camera, there’s ten times that he quietly steals a bag or goes first-to-third on a single without fuss. Bosch is pretty lead-footed, and Kyraine is a catcher, but the rest of the lineup can run when they need to.

Oh, Bricu Bittertongue is old but will probably still steal twenty bases and spike the opposing second baseman at least twice. I stole that line from last year’s preview, and also the five years before that.

Bench

This is my favorite part of an Old Town preview, because I get to talk about Fells Clemens. She can play second, short, and third kinda adequately! She’s a switch hitter with equal power from both sides of the plate, and that amount of power is “none”! She’s just fast enough to think she can steal bases! And then every time the Riders mount a late-inning rally, Clemens is in the middle of it, blooping a hit just in front of an outfielder or scoring just ahead of a throw. It’s the most infuriating thing ever. They should sign her to a lifetime contract.

Otherwise, Duugvilder Demonbane backs up all three outfield positions and occasionally goes on a ridiculous hot streak where he looks like Rothgraar the Ultraviolence’s tiny mustachioed cousin. Feliche Nightshade’s knees are held together with twine, but he can still limp off the bench and crush pitches into orbit. Cylinn bint Dante is actually a pretty good defender at any corner position, can fake second base, and won’t embarrass herself at the plate. And Jakob Balthasar...well, okay, he’s a long long way from the franchise catcher and perennial Horde League All-Star slugger he was supposed to be. But as backup catchers go, a guy who used to bat behind Imbarand the Unstoppable is a pretty good deal.
Now hang me by this golden noose
'Cause I never been nothin' but your golden goose
Silver tongue don't fail me now
And I'll make my way back to you somehow

User avatar
Tarq
Posts: 1021
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2008 2:12 am
Location: Wherever the trouble is.
Contact:

Re: This is the dorkiest thing I've ever written

Postby Tarq » Tue Jan 29, 2013 1:15 am

Starting Pitching

Okay, so, brace yourself, but it turns out you can’t just keep turning rookie pitchers into aces every year and expect to keep it up. The floors of the Pig & Whistle are littered with tendons, bone spurs, and in Laurus Drachmas’s case, arrest records. So the desperate Riders have turned to reclamation projects and aging veterans, and...oh. They’re still pretty good. Go figure.

Start with the obvious; thirteen seasons, four teams, and two surgeries later, Tarquin ap Danwyrith is still one of the Alliance’s premier lefties. He doesn’t throw 98 MPH anymore, but he has four plus pitches with filthy movement and he’ll throw each of them in any count. Threnn Bittertongue, meanwhile, has middling velocity and none of her off-speed pitches are particularly impressive, so command and a deceptive delivery will only get her so far. Seems logical, except that that scouting report is eight years old, and she’s third in innings pitched in the entire Alliance League over that time. She’s Old Town’s workhorse, the dependable, quietly effective #2 to ap Danwyrith’s strikeout-collecting ace, one of the best 1-2 punches in the game.

The rest of the rotation is a gallery of hilarious reclamation projects – Yva “Bizarre Medical Conditions” Balthasar, Haemon “Softball Pitcher” Shadowwind, and Patrucci “Undercity Outfielder Tantrus Asmodeus/Stormwind Reliever Thantrus Fehryn” Pallido. For that to work, you’d need Balthasar’s fastball to push 100 MPH like it did in her Horde League days, to compensate for those times where she just can’t control where it’s going; you’d need Shadowwind to be the textbook soft-tossing lefty and screw hitters into the ground on creampuff curveballs; you’d need, uh, Pallido to...I don’t know, learn to throw a knuckleball or something.

All three of those things happened, and the rotation is basically solid all the way through. Go figure. Also, Shadowwind one of the better-hitting pitchers in the Alliance. Even if he insists on being announced as Eraburis, because he is apparently a crazy person.

Bullpen

It’s always tough when a team loses their closer; it’s exceptionally tough when that closer is Ceil Nightfury, who was as close to an automatic three outs as anyone in the Alliance. After a couple years of what an anonymous player (but almost certainly Bricu Bittertongue) referred to in an interview as “toadfuckery,” Annalea Al’Cair scrapped her plans to join her sister in the rotation and stepped into the ninth inning. She’s handled it adroitly, relying more on off-speed pitches and deception than most closers, which baffles hitters keyed up to face hard-throwing fastball machines with the game on the line.

With that role locked down, the rest of the bullpen was able to fall back into place. It seems like Aelflaed Larsdottir and her ridiculous fastball have been on the Riders forever, but she’s cooler under pressure than she used to be, enough that the Riders may try and move her to the rotation again. The well-travelled Beltar Forgebreaker is her lefty counterpart, still pounding the inside corner and having way too much fun throwing brushback pitches. They’re both good for two innings if needed, but just as often combine to lock down the eighth.

The rest of the bullpen is about as deep as it gets; they’ve got three lefties total, which provides some flexibility. Professional weirdo Kost Thornwood gets used as a one-out-girl, whereas unpredictable-but-effective new addition Julius “Doc” Verne seems to be more of a middle reliever. On the right-handed side, Fingold Edour is back in the fold, trying to reclaim some of that early promise in middle relief. And finally, the designated long man is the ancient Andrick Kaleigh, under the assumption that if his arm hasn’t fallen off already, it never will.
Now hang me by this golden noose
'Cause I never been nothin' but your golden goose
Silver tongue don't fail me now
And I'll make my way back to you somehow

User avatar
Tarq
Posts: 1021
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2008 2:12 am
Location: Wherever the trouble is.
Contact:

Re: This is the dorkiest thing I've ever written

Postby Tarq » Tue Jan 29, 2013 1:16 am

Intangibles

I do not envy anyone who has to play under Tarquin ap Danwyrith’s management. I mean, I envy them because of the whole baseball thing, and the money thing, but relative to their peers, they’re stuck with one of the most ruthless, unpredictable managers in the game. Maybe it’s because he had to deal with lousy lineups for so many years, but ap Danwyrith is obsessed with finding small advantages, with pinch-hitters, relievers, defensive subs, and benching slumping players. Even his stars. He benched Bricu Bittertongue for three games in the middle of a playoff run, and he was the best man at the Bittertongues’ wedding.

Of course, it’s hard to argue with results. ap Danwyrith’s sort of slow to catch up to new-school baseball philosophies, but he probably will, if his own team doesn’t murder him in his sleep. He’s already updated the Riders’ running game, after years of refusing to give away outs.

And the funny thing is, the Riders don’t really seem to have a lot of clubhouse problems. Clubhouse chemistry might or might not matter, but if any team was going to lack it, it’d be the Black and Red. They’re the poster child for dirty teams – in the field, in contract negotiations, talking to the press, anywhere that will let them get an edge. It might be an unfair characterization, or at least hypocritical, but they do kinda live up to it. And maybe because they’re so despised, they’ve got that “Us vs. Baseball” mentality that apparently passes on just fine to new players. Their player-manager is a high-handed schemer, their franchise players are a spikes-up dickhead and a chemistry experiment, their new stars are a couple of expensive mercenaries, and so on, but they’re on the team. And apparently, that’s all the players need.

To paraphrase, if the Wildfire Riders didn’t exist, baseball would have to invent them. For eight years running, Old Town has saved the Alliance League the trouble of finding a villain, and the Alliance League has thanked them with sweet, sweet playoffs.

Predictions

Only one suspension for Bittertongue, but two for Tymara. Forty dingers and twenty steals for Kaleigh; fifty dingers and one “flu-like symptoms” hospitalization for Bosch. Yva Balthasar strikes out six batters in a row and then drills the seventh in the ass on the first pitch, Annalea Al’Cair has a screaming match with Kyraine over pitch selection in the middle of a game, ap Danwyrith has to have Illithias Ashbough physically prevented from attacking an umpire, and they finish in first place in the East.
Now hang me by this golden noose
'Cause I never been nothin' but your golden goose
Silver tongue don't fail me now
And I'll make my way back to you somehow

User avatar
Tarq
Posts: 1021
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2008 2:12 am
Location: Wherever the trouble is.
Contact:

Re: This is the dorkiest thing I've ever written

Postby Tarq » Tue Jan 29, 2013 1:20 am

Starting Lineup
Loreli Tymara - Center Field (S)
Bricu Bittertongue - Second Base (R)
Chryste Kaleigh - Left Field (L)
Zevedron Bosch - First Base (R)
Ulthanon Kaidos - Right Field (L)
Illithias Ashbough - Third Base (S)
Dranas "Pitchblack" Stormbough - Shortstop (R)
Kyraine of Gilneas - Catcher (R)

Bench
Duugvilder Demonbane - Outfield (L)
Fells Clemens - Second/Third/Short (S)
Cylinn bint Dante - Infield/Outfield (R)
Jakob Balthasar - Catcher (R)
Feliche Nightshade - First/Pinch-hitter (L)

Starting Rotation
Tarquin ap Danwyrith - LHP
Threnn Bittertongue - RHP
Yva Balthasar - RHP
Haemon "Eraburis" Shadowwind - LHP
Thantrus Fehryn - RHP

Bullpen
Annalea Al'Cair - Closer, RHP
Beltar Forgebreaker - LHP
Aelflaed Larsdottr - RHP
Kost Thornwood - LHP
Julius Verne - LHP
Fingold Edour - RHP
Andrick Kaleigh - RHP
Now hang me by this golden noose
'Cause I never been nothin' but your golden goose
Silver tongue don't fail me now
And I'll make my way back to you somehow

User avatar
Ulthanon
Posts: 431
Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2008 1:36 pm
Location: 41 yards behind you.
Contact:

Re: This is the dorkiest thing I've ever written

Postby Ulthanon » Tue Jan 29, 2013 7:01 am

That is glorious.
[Fells] says: I LOBE DACNIEBG kiTTLES

User avatar
Kyraine
Posts: 444
Joined: Mon Nov 17, 2008 5:54 pm

Re: This is the dorkiest thing I've ever written

Postby Kyraine » Tue Jan 29, 2013 6:28 pm

We who are about to strike out salute you.
░░░░░░███████ ]▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▃
▂▄▅█████████▅▄▃▂
I███████████████████].
◥⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙◤...

User avatar
Aelflaed
Posts: 609
Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2008 10:10 am
Location: The Swamp
Contact:

Re: This is the dorkiest thing I've ever written

Postby Aelflaed » Tue Jan 29, 2013 6:34 pm

This delights me to no end.
[5.OOC] Beltar: Hammer of What The Fuck Were You Thinking

User avatar
Chrystenise
Posts: 743
Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2008 8:14 pm

Re: This is the dorkiest thing I've ever written

Postby Chrystenise » Sat Feb 02, 2013 10:08 am

How dare you throw the Dale Murphy fan into left field!

User avatar
Tarq
Posts: 1021
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2008 2:12 am
Location: Wherever the trouble is.
Contact:

Re: This is the dorkiest thing I've ever written

Postby Tarq » Sat Feb 02, 2013 1:12 pm

Sorry dude. Chryste is Barry Bonds.

(And by "sorry" I mean "YOU'RE WELCOME CAUSE THAT'S AWESOME")
Now hang me by this golden noose
'Cause I never been nothin' but your golden goose
Silver tongue don't fail me now
And I'll make my way back to you somehow


Return to “Roleplay”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest